This morning I opened my reader much like I do every morning. I have had basically the same routine every morning for the past year, it helps keeps me grounded and sane and I am a much different person without it.

This morning, however I hit “discover” for the first time in a very long time. A few familiar blogs popped up and then one that without looking I clicked and from it, another link. From there an announcement of a baby to be born and die with Trisomy 18. Not even knowing this family, a lump formed in my throat that i just couldn’t swallow. I still can’t.

What struck me though is in the side bar, a playlist sits and in it a song, “Praise you the in storm - Casting Crowns”. Through all the humps and bumps, it reads like their faith is even stronger. I have to admit, if it had been me, I don’t think I could praise God, I think I’d be very angry with him.

When I found out little Doogal could of had something wrong with him, all I could ask was why? I looked for why I deserved such a thing and what I could do to barter with God. How could I make me ok with Him. Ok enough that my baby would be ok, he wouldn’t have a life of hospitals and sickness. He’d be fine.

Evidently though, that’s not how things work.

Luckily I didn’t have to find out by having a sick or dead baby.

Thank you God for that.

Yesterday, our pastor, I guess my pastor came back from a month long sabbatical and pulled the rug out from a, in my opinion, poorly planned sermon series. He replaced it with a new series titled, “Fresh Fire.” He started the sermon out in the same way I’d remember him to start sermons and then asked, on a scale from 1-10, where were we in our exciting, how high did our fire burn. I raised my hand when he asked from 1-4. Sadly, I am about a 2.

I have been losing my faith for quite sometime now and in all honesty am not sure what even ignited my fire in the first place. I can’t even go back to find that and I am not sure where to look to find a new fuel. I used to think it was in good works but even that leaves me feel tired and unfulfilled. My Jesus meter is on empty and I just don’t know where to find the fill up station.

I guess all I can do is pray. I don’t think it’s accidental that I find these websites. For a long time an organization called “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” has been pulling at my heart strings. I tell anyone I know who joins how awesome they are but almost always follow it with, “I just can’t do it”. But maybe, maybe I should.

There is that damn lump again.

Men suck. Plain and simple.

For two years I have gotten up with this baby. Two freakin’ years (ok so some of the time I was preg and I just had to pee but still). I get up in the night, when he gets up in the morning. I deal with it all, I’d say 98% of the time and Buns? Out watching fights. I am starting to get a bit resentful. Can you tell?

What would be so hard about getting up once or twice a month with your own child so your wife, who does most of the household work, could sleep? You might get a little more dude. Help a girl out.

If you hadn’t already figured it out, my Doogal? Fourteen months, still hasn’t slept through the night. Not once, ever.. never. I am seriously considering drugging the little nut.

Basically it’s draining me and everything about me. I think with one, maybe two nights of good, solid sleep, I might be able to retrack the fangs without hurting anyone or myself. That would be an act of God I tell you.

And maybe, when I get ignored for the 9 millionth time here or there, I won’t be so ready to come through the monitor with my machete in hand. I won’t be so pissed when Susy Soandso get 14 thousand response to her 14th question about apeture and I can’t even get a “that photo is fucking ugly”. And maybe I won’t feel like running for the hill when someone opens their freaking mouth about fantasy football for the ten millionth time. And I won’t start lacing the white jacket when I hear “Mommy you ignonowing me” again while I am trying to pee/shower/cook/rest/drive.

Blargh.

Basically, I need a nap or an IV of coffee. That and for the asshats of the world to go fuck themselves or atleast think before they type or speak. Gah.

But I lost it when I woke up to find my servers down for none payment although I have to posted payment in my account. I hate this host, I am finding a new one… as soon as I have time.

Because I have so much of that these days.

I can’t get my brain in order again. I know story of my life.  I have this ever growing to-do list only sometimes it seems as if it’s in a foreign language. And my personal life has kind of gone to the way side. Mostly my fault but I can’t help but notice how easily you get forgot when you path changes ever so slightly. It would be nice to sit for awhile and not think about what you need to do next.

I am starting down that slippery slope again. Started on the way home from the Ren festival, when I lost my keys. Something like that makes me feel so stupid. How do you lose your keys? Only me. I lose everything. I lost my phone because I was so distracted. I guess it wasn’t “lost” but it was because I was so busy not realizing I needed to put it away. I wish my brain wasn’t so chaotic and fuzzy. It wouldn’t take so long to figure things out.

I wish I didn’t get on one thing and obsess on why, what and when. What did I do, why do I deserve this and when will it just stop? The three W’s that torture me. They always have.

I guess, without saying it outloud. I wish to the people that were and are suppose to care about me, I wish I wasn’t so easily forgotten. I wish I was more important then a 2nd hand thought written in the wrong context. That’s all.

And onto regularly scheduled programing.

Phatboy started preschool yesterday. He’s officially a big boy. From the time he woke up till the time we left (early I might add), he asked when it was time to go. So outside we went. All dressed up, to school. Pack all packed, lunch ready to eat, we headed out the door. When we got there, it took everything in me not to cry. I could hardly talk to anyone. It just hardly seems possible that he’s old enough for preschool. I can still remember the day he was born so clear and vivid. He’s just a baby still and it makes me sad. I know, I know. Weird. Lotsa moms can’t wait for their kids to go to the big brick buildings but mine? I want them to stay little just a tad longer. No use in making them grow up so fast. I want them to stay little as long as possible.

I am sure he’ll have a great time and learn and make friends and all that jazz but I can’t help but miss him. I don’t think it would be right if I didn’t.

And now, I have a website to finish… and a logo to finish. Ones 90% done, ones only about 10%. Does that equal one completed project?

Yesterday was the big day. We met Amy, Chris and Carter for the very first time in real life! Yeah, how exciting. I so wanted to get a photo of all of us but it slipped my mind because, well, I am scatter brained fool. Amy can even account for that as she saw me in action.

Me? I was very nervous. Convinced she was gonna think I was a doofus, I was nervous almost all day and when we saw them standing by the fountains, I just bawley…. I was convinced she wasn’t gonna really like me when she met me in person. Something I think online I am much different. Amy will have to answer that though.

I had an awesome time. The baby? Even cuter and person and Chris? A super nice guy and even nicer Dad. They all have infectious smiles and I can’t wait for the next little Anderson.. I am already hinting to them that Carter needs a sister, hee hee hee.

I have a bunch of photos to get through. I am kind of sad, the new camera and I aren’t getting along as well as I’d hoped but I think they’re do. They’re perfect memory catchers. They caught my new friends. I have NEW FRIENDS.

OMG FRIENDS!!!!!

Will post photos later.